Survivor Stories
Read stories from those who’ve experienced verbal abuse.
Dash from Köln, Nordrhein-Westfalen, Germany
I was suffering from PTSD from a previous sexual assault and my partner kept yelling "get out of your mood, stop being a depressed f***ing brat" and "get out of bed you lazy f**k" which added fuel to the ever-growing fire.
I shut myself away from everyone and started to believe that I was this good-for-nothing, sorry excuse for a human. I felt so trapped - and I was. My sexual assault had forced me to quit work and be totally dependent on the partner that was making it all worse. I had no choice but to stay as I had nothing, and no one.
A year later, I came out as a non-binary, transmasculine human, which they did not accept, even though they knew it wasn't exactly a surprise given everything that has happened to me. They continuously called me a female, and that I should act like one. Changing who I was, saved my life. I am now free, being who I always knew I was. It gave me the strength to wake up, stand up, and say NO MORE.
Kari from New York, New York
He called me fat cow, or stupid fat cow. when I talked about current events he would The verbal abuse started as progressive control as they went through my ‘MySpace’ friends and grilled me on all of my male friends to see if I had slept with them. Then it became insults around what I was wearing, having lip gloss on, breakouts. Then it progressed to “don’t speak unless spoken to” and “nobody will ever love you.” The verbal abuse was constant and escalating. Initially, I would fight for hours, but over time as my self-esteem was chipped away, I gave up and just took it. This abuse took me away from myself, my family and friends. It caused constant fear, anxiety and devastation in my life. I speak openly about it now and became an advocate to others.
Kelcie from Las Vegas, Nevada
I had never heard someone speak that hatefully in my entire life. I remember thinking, “wow, I must have really pi**ed him off,” because I couldn’t fathom the reason behind such vile words. The cycle was predictable: He’d spew hatefulness, I’d forgive him, a few days of peace then the whole thing would repeat over and over again.
He called my body dilapidated, insulted my family and attempted to control my every move. I sought counselling to repair the relationship, thinking I could fix it. The therapist asked me if I wanted this type of relationship for my daughter. Of course, the answer was ‘no’. If I wouldn’t accept it for my kid, why would I accept it for myself? Leaving was challenging and the hateful words increased. He said I’d never find a man to love me and my “rat kids.” Thinking of that moment still stings, even now, 9 years later.
Kaitlyn from Rochester, New York
I remember his words so clearly. It began in only the first few days of knowing each other. The verbal abuse started with him calling me disgusting, whore, slut, bitch, and a liar. My abuser was deaf, so the verbal abuse came in the form of both spoken English and American sign language. As the tone in his voice became more malicious and his volume rose, the signs would also change from casual and calm to forceful, threatening, angry, and directly in my face.
He would tell me how pathetic I was, how I couldn’t keep up with him, how “ugly” and “trashy” I looked in every single outfit, and how I was the worst girlfriend to ever walk the earth. Little did I know, this was only the beginning. As it grew worse, the words became manipulative. He began to create graphic stories of things he thought I'd done with friends or other men. He'd force me to sit and listen to him scream the stories in my face. Sometimes I even had to repeat them out loud, and even then, he wouldn’t stop. I was often required to copy him in both English and ASL, saying, “I am a whore. I am a slut. I am disgusting when I am with my friends. I betray my boyfriend when I dress trashy. I don’t deserve to eat. I don’t deserve to sleep. I don’t deserve to see my family.” This became a weekly mantra, occurring each weekend, especially if I was invited out with my friends.
The verbal assaults then became public. He'd whisper names or threats in my ear when I was with friends, scream awful things to gain attention if I walked away, sign threats and cruel comments when no one was looking, and text me constantly to call me names and remind me that I was worthless. Toward the end, he started verbally embarrassing me in front of both deaf and hearing people. Eventually, I went numb. I had consumed the verbal abuse for so long that I had thrown most of my true self away. I was only a shell of who I really was, and I believed what he said to enough of a degree that I started putting on a mask. I was consumed by pain, depression, paranoia, guilt, and fear. All from simple words. To this day, certain words set off panic, grief, and visceral reactions in me. Verbal abuse is real. It reaches our very core. When we are in the thick of it, verbal abuse can even affect what is and is not reality. Verbal abuse felt like a chain holding me down when all I could see out the window was a different, happy, courageous life that couldn’t be reached.
Stephanie from Memphis, Tennessee
I experienced verbal abuse throughout the course of the relationship. One incident, when I was trying to help, and there was something I didn't understand, he said "don't be a woman who needs a man, but be a woman a man needs." Secondly, we were at a grocery store getting food from the hot bar. He was trying to tell me what to get but I chose something different and he called me an ‘asshole’ right there in the middle of the store.
He has called me a stupid ‘motherf***er’ in front of random people and while on the phone talking to his friend. Through texts and phone conversations, I was called a piece of (expletive), and a whore and bitch. These were said aloud, and he didn't care who was close in ear shot of listening. I felt embarrassed, hurt, belittled, and started losing self-esteem and my worth. I have been hurt physically, but the verbal scars linger.
I neglected myself, I stopped going to the beauty salon and wouldn't go out to buy myself anything. I felt trapped in that relationship. I did not know how to go about getting out of this relationship - I was ashamed. I would look in the mirror and just cry. "How did I get here?" I asked myself. He made me feel unwanted and unloved, as he also started to withdraw affection. I really began to believe that no one else would want me. As he told me, ‘I didn't know how to treat a man or be honorable and I would end up manless and without a husband’.
I have started rebuilding my confidence, my name was not nor will it ever be the hateful and hurtful names he'd call me. I am not what he says I am! I deserve better. He tried minimizing the abuse by using terms like ‘a misunderstanding’ or ‘a lover's quarrel.’ The goal was to keep control/power, to brainwash me by saying that my family doesn't care about me, and that he's the only one I can depend on. You have no idea of the burden and stress that left me when the relationship ended. It's hard for me to forgive someone like that. But, I'm certain, I will continue forth, increase self-care and for right now, just love me.
Sarah from Austin, Texas
At the age of 19 years old, I met a boy that I thought was the love of my life. After I became pregnant with his child, he became emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive. He used his words to make me believe that I was an unfit mother who consistently put her daughter in an unsafe situation. He used his words to try to separate me from my family and make me believe that I was worth nothing more than what he could provide me.
He used gaslighting to make me question my mental stability, to the point that he almost convinced me to see a neurologist and make sure nothing was wrong with my brain. He consistently belittled me and caused me to question every decision I made or thought I had. This made attending to motherly duties horrifically challenging. I began dealing with intense depression and found it increasingly difficult to find enjoyment in things I once loved. I became angry, isolated and searched for acceptance anywhere I could find it.
When he was drinking, his words became more violent and insulting. Whenever I did have the courage to stand up to him, he would find a new way to belittle me - like telling me to go back to my eating disorder. It got to the point where I didn't know reality apart from this world he had created.
Towards the end of our relationship, he threatened to take my daughter away so I would know what he was capable of. It was not until he chose to drink and drive, resulting in a fatality of his friend, that I got the courage to truly leave. I now work in domestic violence prevention, hoping that the experience I had will never be endured by another person.